Disconnect hurts. We feel alone, broken, powerless. Therefore, it is best to quickly, the pain to get rid of, do everything to ensure that we get better. But how? The Doctor Lena Müller explains in her new book.
Since the woman sits crying at the girlfriend on the Sofa. The story sounds a thousand at most Times in the same Version: "I don’t understand why. It was actually perfect. Why he no longer wants to be with me?" A separation is never easy: not for us and not for the people around us. The emotional pain is unbearable, we feel broken and alone.
All of our thoughts revolve around the Person who has broken our heart. We tell the same stories and ask ourselves the same questions. We want the pain subsides quickly, it’s us again. But how?
Our brain makes us hope
The key lies in the mind. Heartbreak triggers in our brain the same processes as withdrawal symptoms in addicts. In the case of people who were just left by their partners, and strongly under-heartache suffered, it was examined the brain activity. The Forsaken had to constantly think about their lost Partner, and they said that they would love him still. All of the subjects hoped that their Partner would come back to you.
Our brain wants to explain to us so dear, that there is hope, instead of us, the reality of separation before our eyes. The dopamine-reward system, which controls our Motivation and our drive and us strong focus can be lit up at all the abandoned attempt of participants in the brain scan.
Lena Müller (Born 1987) is a Doctor with a passion. She studied medicine, dentistry, and journalism and worked for many years for clinical research. With 18 years of age, she traveled to Burkina Faso, West Africa, and then founded the Association “DEVELOPmed.aid e. V.”, which allows children to medical treatments. Here you can read an excerpt from her book.
Stress hormones flood the body
These brain areas are also freshly in Love active, but they are unfortunately stimulated by the loss of even more. And the dopamine ensures that we can focus on one thing, in this case, our Ex-Partner, especially. Therefore, we talk permanently about this a Person and can’t think of anything else. We feel helpless, can not really control what’s happening with ourselves.
In addition, solid stress hormones are released, we sleep poorly and have either no appetite or eat constantly and all the time, our body turns on stress management mode. We hole up in our disappointment and in our suffering.
And our brain? It pictures of happier days, of happiness shows us-friendly Version of ourselves in the relationship – which is now over. Our brain makes things worse. We only see the Positive, the great things, the beautiful moments.
The separation is real and had a reason
What helps, but the bad moments. Himself to write about the bad qualities of the Partner had, how unhappy it was on some days. And it helps to accept reality.
The separation is real and had a reason. The reason may be incomprehensible, for example, that the feelings have subsided from the Partner. Such a reason cannot accept our Psyche and is looking for more concrete, tangible triggers. We should have more time to spend together? I should have been less selfish? He has a New met? What has he missed?
No matter! It is no matter, there is no concrete reason. Our brain wants to understand and learn. Therefore, it is looking more and more to the reasons not to help us, but to us perfect on the separation of focus. Our brain wants to learn from pain, like when you attack as a child on the hot stove plate. The pain teaches us, you don’t even touch.
The Heartbreak cycle proceeds in 4 phases
But in love there is no teaching. Sometimes it does not fit, feelings disappear, and our brain is looking for months for a reason. The pain we feel in separation is real. In our brain the same areas are active, which are also in physical pain, for example if you cut yourself in the Finger. A separation means for us is almost always the parting of a once-beloved people, because he will simply be a part of our lives.
Basically, a part of our lives, one of the most intimate people that has influenced our daily life breaks us. And with him his whole family. What sometimes sounds to a teenager’s grief, therefore, can be a serious Trauma to our Psyche. Just at the beginning of the Heartbreak is particularly bad. It can be divided into four phases.
The first Phase begins with the actual separation. We deny what has happened, and do not want to have true, that our Partner has left us. We try to fight for our relationship.
In the second Phase, we develop hatred, and even revenge fantasies. The formerly beloved Partner is the ass hole, we are focusing on all his bad sides.
Thereafter, the Phase of self-reflection, in which the relationship and your role in it comes to be processed therein. The strong hate and love feelings flat, we slowly return to an emotionally stable situation.
At the end of it All, the reorientation and the new stand. Everything New, new Hobbies, meet new people or Travel, leads in our brain to increase dopamine levels and helps us to focus away from this Person and again on other things.
How you get over it
Distraction helps so scientific. To dedicate an area that brings in life and a good feeling. Who always wanted to be a yoga teacher, you should consider whether now is the time to make for four weeks of training in Bali. Or the language trip to Italy.
It is not an escape, but rather to work on something Important in life. Develop and draw positive energy from the separation. Of course, the heart pain does not disappear within a short time, but there is a meaningful Vision and a goal for the future in life without the Ex. An hour to the gym, in the Sauna or with the Massage is a first step. The main thing, you feel good afterwards!
“Try to understand a women!
by Lena Müller, 272 pages, mvg Verlag, € 16.99 at Amazon (ad)
Constant Meetings with the Ex? Better not!
With the Ex, however, it is better to go cold Turkey: not too long and repeatedly about the separation, and the beloved Person speak! Because our brains are traumatized again and again. The Name of the Person can trigger a dopamine flood in the us.
This does not mean that you should remain silent about his problems and grief, it is more about the Thoughts dissolve. Facebook, Instagram, and senseless Stalking and you should not leave – even if it is difficult.
You can also drive on the Serotonin, the happiness hormone, in the amount of: Sport, sun, chocolate … everything that makes us happy. Because the Serotonin levels are fresh separated people in the basement. The combination of low Serotonin and high dopamine, you can find values by the way, also in the case of obsessive-compulsive disorder. The recommendation of the psychiatrist, when thoughts again and again to the Same circles: "By directing your thoughts, by repeating compulsively again and again, positive things."
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