Almost 50 years they were a Couple, two sons have pulled together, never caused scandals. Now, Thomas and Thea Gottschalk want to separate. In an interview with FOCUS Online, two therapists explain how a marriage for such a long time remains happy – and why, nevertheless, divorced couples.
47 years a Couple of, 43 of a married couple. And now everything should be over. Germany is upset about the relationship of Thomas and Thea Gottschalk. Also famous friends to speak. Stunned Otto Waalkes shows up and is shocked words of his longtime friend Thomas Gottschalk: “The only thing I admired about You was Your big show talent, the stability of your marriage.”
Resistant you can call that a marriage after 43 years. An old, no longer reach these days, many marriages. “The end of such a long relationship is a disaster,” says psychotherapist Wolfgang Krüger. Because after so many years of marriage, couples would have built a “wealth of life experience and common ground”.
“It’s now or never” – Why longtime married couples separate
“In the past, have not separated after such a long time,” explains the expert. But that had changed fundamentally – today, older and long-standing couples break up according to him: “you see the end of life drawing closer, and think to yourself: “it’s Now or never!”. The Munich agrees to some therapist Alexandra Hartmann: “Many older couples come to a point that you see as a last Chance to again re-start”.
Long-distance relationships conflict are particularly vulnerable
Krüger adds: “A separation after such a long time, but never out of Nothing. You must have been a long-standing alienation.“ Were predestined to the experts, especially in long-distance relationships: “In a long-distance relationship, the couple lives in two different worlds. So that you can succeed, you must include the partners, each other active. Otherwise it can happen quickly that one loses“.
Whether this is one of the reasons that contributed to the separation of the Gottschalks? After all, toured Gottschalk claims to “cheerfully whistling” through the world, while his Thea “had a house and yard in the handle”, as he describes it in his biography “autumn blonde”.
Different stages of life provide a lot of potential for conflict
The need for a new start, but it can also be triggered by a special event, such as the beginning of a new phase of life: “In a marriage life of couples in the normal case, different phases,” explains Hartmann. The beginning or the end of each Phase, is according to her, is always a certain element of risk – after all, each person is different with changes. Possible phases of a marriage are, according to Hartmann:
– The Transition from Couple to family
If a romantic escapade, suddenly, Three or more of activity, then the life situation of most of the couples changed for the first Time serious. Suddenly there is not only the Partner, but also one or more new beings. With this you do not need to share not only the attention of the partner, but also self-responsibly, pay attention.
– The Exodus of the children
“With the Exodus of the children of a common giant goes for a Couple of project to the end,” explains Hartmann. This means that a Couple must now find a new. “Some couples then that you were only because of the children”. This Phase is in many relationships is a tricky – you may end up in a complete realignment or the end of the marriage to usher.
– The beginning of retirement
After decades of hard work in the beginning of retirement is for each person a profound experience. Suddenly a lot of free time, which has to be filled. According to Hartmann, is not always a simple undertaking: “Some people are discovering, for example, your sporty side, or develop a desire to travel. If the Partner does not go along as to 100 per cent, also holds large potential for conflict“.
– Unpredictable Events
According to Hartmann, only the predictable stages of life, but not a large separation potential. Also, sudden changes, or blows of fate rain couples to Think about. “Radical experiences to shake the people. Some see it as a sign for a new beginning.“
These relocations can include abroad as well as by a severe forest fire burned down the house, as the family of Gottschalk. The house where the children grew up, is full of memories of the joint family life. The Wolfgang Kruger agrees. The author of the book “the love”, white: “There are situations in which couples have to find new”.
– The older A topic is need to talk: about the couples
Also aging plays in marriages a major role. “As they grow Older, everyone does it differently,” explains Hartmann. “It changes a lot: physically, hormonally, mentally”. The sexuality change. Maybe some things no longer work that have worked. “Some people back then – out of shame or because they do not want to admit that something has changed.
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How couples overcome obstacles – and a long happy stay
To be Thomas and Thea Gottschalk seemed one of the few couples who had mastered these hurdles successfully. Her secret for a long and happy marriage, we don’t know, but it is also a psychotherapist Wolfgang Krüger knows the “screws of love”. This is his Four-point Plan for a long and happy marriage:
1. Recognition is like lubricating oil for the love
“Talk in a relationship is important, Yes. But even more important is how people talk to each other.“ Nothing in a relationship is more important than a respectful and appreciative treatment. “We need to give us more recognition”, asks the expert. It would, for example, in the Form of love letters or flowers. “We must always ensure that our Partner admires us.”
2. Be interested in each other
When couples no longer are interested in each other, is poison to the marriage. “The Partner must always have the feeling that I have been interested in him,” says Kruger. This is not to everyday questions, but a question of what moves the other in the innermost.
3. Drive your own development
You should not only show interest in your Partner, but also for the partners to stay. You can do by take care of themselves and pursue their own interests. “A relationship should always stay young, as you would have learned to just know,” explains Krüger. A relationship should never be to everyday life. Especially if everyday life outside of the family is very exciting, you should not ensure that it’s boring in the partnership.
4. Do not try to change your Partner
You have chosen your Partner the way he is. Often people make their happiness dependent on your Partner and try to change him instead of himself: “The focus of my life must be in myself,” says Kruger, “which requires a high degree of independence of both partners. Because each is his own luck“.
Psychologist asks: is Allowed to let go of a failed marriage don’t be afraid!
Kruger appealed to the failed “model of marriage” the Gottschalks do not be discouraged. Because most of the relationships in the age even better, because Humor and happiness are rising. Also, the Definition of happiness changes in the age: “The age of happiness is not beauty or money. Older people define happiness more as something ‘Inner’. People are then more at himself, know their moods and can also assess their fellow men better“.
In addition, the average duration of marriage in the last ten years had increased from ten to twelve years. Also, the number of marriages to take. This is particularly good news, because: “The people getting married today is not Versorgungsnot, but out of love,” explains Krüger, and concludes: “We can be optimistic that romantic relationships succeed better today.”
